BEEFING GOD
My sister was packing her stuff on Saturday, getting ready to return to her base. She picks up a pair of shoes she brought and says
"I brought my beautiful shoes but didn't even get to wear them. My beautiful shoes!"
Shuuuuu...
"Why didn't you wear them?" I asked.
"Because I didn't get to go to church."
Then I reasoned, she can still wear them, yeah. I mean tomorrow is Sunday, so why not?
"Why don't we go?" I asked.
"Which branch?" she asks
"Sabo? " nayim she spoil face.
"I thought you'd say the Head Quarters."
"Okay, cool, let's go there.
Let me call Fifi and ask if she can pick us up on her way."
Then she goes "Confirm before I finish packing."
This girl eh. She dey behave like a military woman or even the older sister sometimes, wallahi.
Anyway;
Fifi gladly agrees to pick us up.
Hmmm, I got up very early, ensured there was hot water as the weather was about 12° but felt more like 8°, (the icy type of cold that seeps into your bones from every angle? Harmattan ooòooh!!)
Then I woke my sister up to take her bath. . ..
Few months before now, (four actually), going to church had become very difficult.
My mum falls sick and is hospitalised,
Then she passes on.
Then the "plenty" activities leading to the burial and all...
Since then I only went to Church twice.
The First time was to be sure I wasn't "beefing God" for my sudden "orphaned" state.
I suddenly wasn't interested in Church gatherings or any gathering.
I needed to process and understand somethings on my own, for myself, and by myself, not someone telling me why I should or shouldn't or how I should or shouldn't feel.
I needed that space.
I just wasn't feeling large gatherings.
The next time was the annual end of year thanksgiving service which Mummy Kay pushed me to go.
I sat down in that service and watched people give thanks to God for sparing their lives and that of their loved ones and I felt betrayed.
I mean, my Mum was barely one month in the grave, my uncle (my aunt, who is my mum's immediate younger sister's husband) had just passed on the night before, yet these people are thanking Him for preserving their loved ones...
So I asked myself what I was doing there. I should be with my newly widowed aunt and not with people who hadn't lost anyone that year or ever before
For the first time, I gladly left a Church service before it was over.
After then I didn't bother going to church till two days ago, the first Sunday of the year when I went with my sister.
Conclusion? I'm not beefing God. I just needed to be ready by myself without being cajoled. I needed to heal.
No matter the pain, find your healing. Take your time.
Don't be rushed.
When you are ready, you will know.
But, HEAL!
"I brought my beautiful shoes but didn't even get to wear them. My beautiful shoes!"
Shuuuuu...
"Why didn't you wear them?" I asked.
"Because I didn't get to go to church."
Then I reasoned, she can still wear them, yeah. I mean tomorrow is Sunday, so why not?
"Why don't we go?" I asked.
"Which branch?" she asks
"Sabo? " nayim she spoil face.
"I thought you'd say the Head Quarters."
"Okay, cool, let's go there.
Let me call Fifi and ask if she can pick us up on her way."
Then she goes "Confirm before I finish packing."
This girl eh. She dey behave like a military woman or even the older sister sometimes, wallahi.
Anyway;
Fifi gladly agrees to pick us up.
Hmmm, I got up very early, ensured there was hot water as the weather was about 12° but felt more like 8°, (the icy type of cold that seeps into your bones from every angle? Harmattan ooòooh!!)
Then I woke my sister up to take her bath. . ..
Few months before now, (four actually), going to church had become very difficult.
My mum falls sick and is hospitalised,
Then she passes on.
Then the "plenty" activities leading to the burial and all...
Since then I only went to Church twice.
The First time was to be sure I wasn't "beefing God" for my sudden "orphaned" state.
I suddenly wasn't interested in Church gatherings or any gathering.
I needed to process and understand somethings on my own, for myself, and by myself, not someone telling me why I should or shouldn't or how I should or shouldn't feel.
I needed that space.
I just wasn't feeling large gatherings.
The next time was the annual end of year thanksgiving service which Mummy Kay pushed me to go.
I sat down in that service and watched people give thanks to God for sparing their lives and that of their loved ones and I felt betrayed.
I mean, my Mum was barely one month in the grave, my uncle (my aunt, who is my mum's immediate younger sister's husband) had just passed on the night before, yet these people are thanking Him for preserving their loved ones...
So I asked myself what I was doing there. I should be with my newly widowed aunt and not with people who hadn't lost anyone that year or ever before
For the first time, I gladly left a Church service before it was over.
After then I didn't bother going to church till two days ago, the first Sunday of the year when I went with my sister.
Conclusion? I'm not beefing God. I just needed to be ready by myself without being cajoled. I needed to heal.
No matter the pain, find your healing. Take your time.
Don't be rushed.
When you are ready, you will know.
But, HEAL!
#Photo Credit: Dennis Kures
Great wisdom for a time of difficulty. It is important to be deliberate and knowledgeably do things, rather than under compulsion. Greater healing and comfort be your portion.
ReplyDeleteAmen! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHmm...a time for everything it is said...
ReplyDeleteYes, there is time for everything.
DeleteHmm...a time for everything it is said...
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmm. If I didn't know this story more than was written and posted here, I would have said, "Writers and fiction" with the popular Jacon Zuma meme in mind.
ReplyDelete☺ ☺
DeleteYes you do know more than was written here. Thank you!
Kai I can relate to this story. Rewind back 2 1993, lost my dad & d burial was on a week day, & some1 said 2 my mum that we need 2 go back 2 school the next day that was how they brought us back & I was in school the next day oh (an 8yrs old child that lost his dad) that singular move made me hate school; went from top of d class 2 bottom....
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteOh dear! You needed to process, understand and accept the whole thing before being thrown back into a normal routine. Peace and comfort!
DeleteTnk God 4 ur understanding..God is too faithful 2 fail u"US"😉😉😉Remain strong!
ReplyDeleteTnk God 4 ur understanding..God is too faithful 2 fail "US"😉😉😉Remain strong
ReplyDeleteMaybe God is telling us he doesn't live in buildings.....
ReplyDeleteHmmmmm. Food for thought.
DeleteBy voicing out your feelings, you have indeed commenced the real process of healing.
ReplyDeleteTrue. Thank you.
DeleteIt will surely pass. Lotta luv sis
ReplyDeleteYes it will. Thank you.
DeleteIt takes time,go through the process and healing will surely come.I learnt that we all grieve and heal differently so no one should put anyone grieving or going through a phase in life under unnecessary pressure. Nice piece dear...Good Job!!!
ReplyDeleteNo need for the pressure. Thank you.
DeleteThere are so many things we dnt understand about our God and do many questions we want to ask him...So let's work hard to make it to heaven bcos that will b d first step...
ReplyDeleteAm glad U were able to make ur way back home(ur Maker) Many never makes it back HIM after loss they keep blaming God and never returns!! It is well my dear friend & God loves U beyond ur imagination do keep on keeping on until d trumpets sounds!! God bless You!!!
Thank you.
DeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteQuite a thought indeed. There's actually a great need for mind preparation in everything about life or else we will be jumping from pillar to post. May God engrace all your efforts towards serving him better.
ReplyDeleteAmen, Thank you!
DeleteWounds get healed gradually,no pressure mounted on it can cover it in a day.In this case as children of God is only the Holy spirit that can comfort you and mend your heart.I pray that the Holy spirit comfort and give you peace in Jesus name
ReplyDeleteAmen! Thank you!
DeleteAs a psychologist, i won't bother you with psychological terms and concepts like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which often occur as a result of the loss of a job, being gilted or betrayed by a lover or in this case; the demise of a loved one. But as a brother & someone who have gone through a similar experience even at a younger age, i will encourage you to surround yourself with friends and family who exu de tenderlovingcare plus trigger pleasant memories. Go to cozy places, appreciate nature, fall in love and please by all means pray. My sister this too shall pass. Av been there, done that and you know it. The Lord is thine strength. Shalom...
ReplyDeleteYes you have been there and you have done very well, I'm always proud of you. Thank you very much.
DeleteAm actually speechless right nw.😢
ReplyDeleteOh dear! Don't be. Thank you.
DeleteAm actually speechless right nw.😢
ReplyDelete☺☺
DeleteIt is alright !
Awww,very true dear
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteThis was sent to me:
ReplyDelete🙏🏾🤗🤗🤗 Soulful
May your healing be perfected in Christ Himself
I did not begin to find my healing till about 14 months after my dad died. I held my first daughter in my arms and burst into tears to the surprise of the nurses.
This first-time mother that went through labour bravely was suddenly crying for no apparent reason when she should be joyful as she held her beautiful and freshly washed new born.
But you see, this baby girl would have been my dad’s first grandchild. And I grieved that he would not be there to name her, hold her, spoil her.... I grieved like I had been unable to at his death,
Or 4 months later when he couldn’t walk me down the aisle.
She’s 12 now and she looks like my dad, walks like he did, has his facial mannerisms.
Sometimes, I still get flashes of pain, of nostalgia, an ache, an ‘I wish’, over 13 years later.
But God has been faithful, and His love waited for me to find my healing and my way back to Him
This was beautiful and real.
Thank you once more 🤗🤗🤗
PS:
I think I may have beefed God a little at first😂.... But He understood, and He lovingly waited for me. ☺
I know this feeling so well, I went through it for a while and there was nothing anyone could say that could change my mind. Everything is a matter of time
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely nothing!
DeleteI'm proud that you never beefed God, because nothing about us can ever change who God is. But even if you did He feels what we feel and can surely come to our aid. Love you sis
ReplyDeleteThanks my brother. Much love.
DeleteLovely. Great piece. Yes healing is very important. Not forced. Just natural. You are a strong lady and has endured so many losses. You and your siblings. Yet you come across as pleasant and happy. When Aunty passed, I was talking with my bestie on the phone wondering how you all cope. It's well. It must be God's warm embrace helping you weather the storms. Just know. You inspire us so much and your writing is so rich and inspiring. Keep being you. Keep writing
ReplyDeleteAwwwwwww!
DeleteYou got me in tears. I don't know how I endure it too. Sometimes I'm strong, other times I'm not. I prayed a prayer one day when the heaviness was choking, "Lord help me, heal me, comfort me like only you can.." and here I am today. You all actually help!
Thank you so much my darling sis. I will keep on.
Much love sis.
ReplyDeleteThank you my darling.
Delete