THE BEREAVED

I was in my Mum's village for the burial of her Uncle, my Great-Uncle, Mr Bulus Bizun Allahmagani. It was very emotional for me. My mum's people loved my Mum and the love was extended to us from time immemorial.
Some, on seeing me, started to cry uncontrollably. Others tried to hold it till they turned away. Of course, the trained eye can always see hidden tears.
Another Great-Uncle couldn't talk, he just kept crying. I had to stylishly walk away from a few of them because I'd made up my mind I wasn't going to cry. If I did, it would be for the man being buried.
He was especially dear to we the grandchildren. His nickname was "See and fall." I'll explain that some other day.

Death has this note of finality! Once it happens, a page closes. Never to be opened. All we have left are memories. Memories that can sometimes make you smile and still make you cry.
No matter how many times you have been bereaved, there is no getting used to it.
You only pick up the pieces of your broken self, try to fill up the vacuum and move on, making the best of it. Some never recover. Others do and make the best out of it.
No matter the age of the deceased, the pain and anguish are real. It's raw.

Someone once said to me, "You should be used to it by now, I mean it's not your first time," can you imagine? Used to it? Chaii!!! How can you get used to such raw pain? Such anguish??

Another said to a lady,
"You are taking this thing too far. Allow your brother rest in peace," without even appreciating her confusion and pain.
Or is it the one that thinks the woman who had a  miscarriage or a stillbirth is overdoing it?
What of the newly widowed man left with toddlers or teenagers or even fully grown children, who is crying uncontrollably and someone is thinking "Is he not a man? Let him hold himself together."
Or the grandma who seems to lose it when her husband passes she is visibly broken and may never recover, yet you are there wondering "But he was very old," forgetting that he had been her companion for ages.

Permit me to say this;
If you have never been bereaved, never lost someone very dear to you, never experienced any of the things mentioned above, don't ever give in to the temptation to think that the one who is bereaved is overdoing it.
Don't forget yourself and carelessly speak words that will further hurt the already-hurting and wounded.

You may never understand that gut-wrenching pain when it feels like your inside is being ripped apart, nor will you ever understand a heavy heart when it feels like a rock has been placed on your chest, with all its weight; when every breath you take hurts because of the weight and the only thing that eases it is tears and more tears because the more you cry, the less the pain. Yet, as soon as you stop, the heaviness resumes. You won't understand the inability to swallow a bite because the weight on the chest also feels like you are choking.

Neither will you understand why one can be smiling now and the next moment, that same person is crying.
How can you even explain that moment when you see someone connected to your deceased, a close friend or the child... and the next moment you are breaking down and sobbing all over?

How can you appreciate the confusion and denial and regrets of your time with the deceased, of what you did or didn't do, what you could or would have done differently... or even things you had planned for them but suddenly, such plans pulled to an automatic stop!
Everything suddenly ends and a new chapter is opened for you, where you begin to travel without the ones you had planned your life with. You start afresh, learning to live each and every day without them.

To the bereaved;
It is not an easy journey.
When you feel like crying, by all means, do. I mean, there are days I spend doing nothing but crying because no matter what happens on that day, everything takes me down memory lane and I cry till I feel some relief, which may be at night when sleep comes.
Take it one day at a time.
Do not overthink.
Feel!
Heal!
Life goes on!
Your life MUST go on!

To the rest of us;
Let's be especially kind to people who are bereaved. Make sure they are as comfortable as possible. Give them room and space to grieve. It goes a long way.

Shalom!